This is one of those days I don't know what exactly I'm feeling . I get too attached easily to begin with . & that's one of my weaknesses . It tears me apart all the time and I've to act like I don't care at all . The funniest thing of this entire turmoil is that it's actually due to my own excessive irrelevant thoughts that is making me high on misery . All part of my own doing , all part of my wishful thinking . I've caught myself in a daze with my thoughts running wild . There's so much I wish I could say but no amount of words is enough . So much I wish someone could understand . It's sad how I don't drop hints like the rest but spill everything out , laying cards on the table instead yet nothing comes out of it . I once mentioned how nobody can ever fully let go of their past . To people , I'm just another ordinary run-of-the-mill girl . Probably bubbly & humorous at times , but they never look beyond that . Everybody has been thru tough times , but tough , differs for everyone . Feeling rather emotional now . In actual fact , been feeling that way for the past few days already . I usually think a lot normally but now I'm simply flooded with irrelevant thoughts to the extent of allowing my emotions to take over control . What's wrong with me ? My life is a tragedy , so much took place I feel like I can't take it anymore . I'm only 16 . How would you feel if you've been trying so hard to forget about pain & misery all this while but things & people around you just have to keep on reminding you about it ? Sometimes I wonder if life has ever been fair to me . How much indignation & hatred I'm having now is beyond anyone's imagination . I'm so fucked up that I feel like death is always the easier option out . I keep everything to myself because in this world , nobody cares about you . What if there's no more reason/motivation/drive for you to live anymore ? I made myself sound so sad but ya as they always say , guess there's worse people out there . No amount of sleep could get rid of this lethargy in me or cure the deprivation of sleep . I should start setting my priorities straight . To give up my illusion of a perfect mindset to please everybody & concentrate on what needs my utmost attention now . Say , studies ? I really feel so tired both physically & mentally , it's scary how drained out I am right now . I don't need to know anymore superficial people , don't need them to tell me I'm beautiful , I want somebody to tell me how ugly I am but they will always love me . I'm tired of lying , tired of hiding , tired of pretending , knowing that I failed as a person , a christian . Not forgetting the shit I do for the people I love , for the things I love . I figured I've been trying so hard to run away but I still couldn't escape from the clutches of reality ultimately . I miss the old me , when everything wasn't as screwed up . But then again , my life has always been screwed up . Its only under certain circumstances which I feel blessed . Not exactly happy , just blessed . People always tell me things will get better soon , I am a strong girl & everything will be okay . Things never get better , is I who have gotten used to it . I dont need anybody to tell me what kind of person I am , no matter how many times ppl tell me that im strong or brave , it doesnt make it real . Thats what you all want me to be , but sorry im just not that kind of girl . Ofcos sometimes , things will be okay , eventually . But then it happens again , its just same shit but different day . Dont tell me you understand , becos im sure as hell you dont . Guess it's true what hurt can do to people . It makes people change . I'm tired of everything , tired of thinking so much . Can I take a break ? Or just sleep forever ? Sleep beauty must have been so blessed . You said everything will be okay but what happened now ?
我忍.
Imperfection completes me .
