@Veins Of Scarlet: Subconsciously, I still think of you.

I'm fat and ugly. I'm made of flaws. I yearn to be happy.

My name is Melissa Wong; the broken one .

My life is covered with unhealed bruises & scars . God is my first priority & only God can judge me , so who the hell are you ? Im fat & ugly . Im made of flaws . I yearn to be happy . Im always tired , but it is the kind of tired that even sleeping cant fix . Im going through constant excruciating pain . Pain so bad I'd take take death with a smile just to get away from it . & you'll never know what its like to beg God everyday to just take all the agony away with crippled anger & tears that still drip sore . I love songs which can relate to my feelings . I desire no wealth or health , i just want to be happy . I dont like liars , betrayers nor kpos , I DETEST COPYCATS . I can cry for 4hours straight or laugh for the rest of my life , you decide . It takes years to build up trust with me but seconds to destroy it . Im very soft hearted , but dont take me for granted . Im not helpless . Maybe discouraged & faltering , but not helpless . I love to pray , as GOD listens to me . People said i changed so much . Well , here is the truth . I grew up . I stopped letting ppl push me around all the time , I learnt that i cant always be happy . I , accepted reality .

For all sad words of tongue & pen , the saddest are this " It might have been " .

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Subconsciously, I still think of you.

" Eat ?"
"Don’t eat ."
"But I’m hungry ."
"You’re not hungry you’re never hungry ."
"My head hurts ."
"Go drink some water ."
"I’m freezing cold ."
"Good , burns more calories ."
"My stomach hurts ."
"Wimp ."
"It smells so good ."
"It smells like puke ."
"I NEED FOOD ."
"Do you like all that fat hanging in globs off your body ?"
"No I’m just really hungry, I have stomach pains ." "Good , feel empty , be empty - don’t do it , don’t you dare eat a single thing ."
"I want to eat something , anything , just a tiny bite ." "If you eat a tiny bite , it’ll just lead to an even bigger ‘tiny bite’ ."
"Please ? No ."
"You can eat tomorrow , if you don’t eat today I’ll let you eat tomorrow ." "Promise ? No . You cant afford it , I mean have you looked in the mirror lately ? tell me what do you see? A fat, disgusting mess ." "you’re right ."
"I know I am ."
"When can i eat normally again ?"
"Never . "
"Why ? "
"Because , you’re trapped in this vicious cycle , you will never be able to eat anything ever again without feeling like a failure . Keep that in mind , failure ."

This is the conversation I have with myself everytime when im hungry .