Its like usually ppl only notice how sad a person is when that person is cheerful all the time , ppl only see the obvious . Now , I realised that when a person who is always sad , complains about how sad he or she is , nobody really bother anym . Nobody really pays attention anymore , becos they are sick & tired of listening to that person's whinning & complaints , & most importantly , they are sick of comforting you , becos all they can say is " Cheer Up " . Some think that once they say the two words outta their mouth , they alr tried their best to comfort you , they wont do any follow ups . Worst to worst , when they failed to stand in your shoes & think for you , they assume & insist on their thinkings , & THEY JUDGE YOU . THEY THINK YOU ARE JUST SEEKING ATTENTION . Hence , I decided not to open up to anybody anym . Once bitten , twice shy . Amazingly , those who hurt me so thoroughly are those who are so close to me . I made changes for ppl around me , & I became someone I dont even recognise . I made many attempts trying to please ppl around me despite knowing that it will make me feel uneasy & sad . I tried to do things right , but nobody rmbs or appreciates , when i do something wrong , something minor , ppl gets angry easily & will never make me forget about that mistake i made . & after i put down my pride & apologise for it even knowing im at no wrong & its only becos i value this relationship with that person more than my ego , it only make them feel more right . Next time when you expect me to be understanding & appreciative towards you , pls try to do the same . Im done trying . You fall in love , it's intoxicating , & for a little while you feel you've actually become one with the other person . Merged souls , & so on . You think you'll never be lonely again . Only it doesn't last & soon you realise you can only get so close . & you end up brutally disappointed , more than ever . Becos the illusion - the hope you'd held on to all those years , has been shattered . Do you know what it's like to go to bed each night feeling like you haven accomplished anything ? My hypocritical view on time leaves me at a loss . There aren't enough hours in a day . I need more time to do all that i want to do . At the same time , there are just way too much . The day crawl along leaving me too many seconds to think about my hatred of everything , most often , myself . There's too much yet too little . I guess it's just another contradiction that defines my life .
I tell myself I’m not allowed to cry . Because crying myself to sleep means waking up with swollen eyes . Swollen eyes means curious friends . Curious friends means explaining everything . Explaining everything means remembering the pain . I’d rather just keep to myself and pretend nothing is wrong . I’d rather say “I’m fine, and you ?” instead of telling the truth . I’m a burden to everyone . Crying only makes it worse . You don’t know how much an addiction self-injury , anorexia , & bulimia are unless you’ve experienced the very worst of the addiction . So don’t say it’s easy to stop slitting , stop purging , stop vomiting when you don’t know anything . It was not a suicide attempt , it was an escape from anything awful . When I slit , im in total control , I make my own pain & I can stop it whenever I want . Physical pain relieves mental anguish . For a brief moment , the pain of slitting is the only pain in my mind . When that stops , & the initial heartpain comes back , it is not that pain anymore . Drugs help too , but not like slitting . Nothing is like slitting . So dont judge , if you know nothing . I should stop telling ppl that im fine , becos im not fine . I havent been fine since i were a kid; I havent been fine since I started piecing my life together . Its all quite a mess , isn't it . Everyone seems to have lost sight of their own humanity . I havent been fine since that day i felt so depressed & lonely . I rmb that day . I flung myself onto my bed & cried everynight consecutively . It seems like I was crying for the world & the lost of my obliviousness . I will work for the rest of my life , trying to be honest when i say " Im fine ".
Imperfection completes me .
