I always ask myself everyday , why is it so hard to be happy ? People tell me I expect too much from life , look on the brighter side , think about those who are much worst off . But here's an analogy . Won't you feel tortured if everyday , you're being reminded of how fucked up your life is . & ppl just dont fucking get the idea , they think they know me best . They try flooding my mind with all the weird philosophies & quotes which really piss me off . Come on , I know what you ppl are going to say , its so bleeping predictable . If you are going to say something that can be easily grabbed from the internet , I suggest you just leave me the heck alone . Also , dont tell me how much your life sucks more than mine . Honestly ? I dont really care . Dont bleeping compare your life to mine . Have you ever got abandoned by the one you thought will never leave you ? Im not talking about just any boy girl r/s issues here . Have you ever gotten abused so badly you have to be sent to the hospital ? Have you ever felt alone in the crowd , so alone that you just feel like standing in the middle of nowhere & just bleeping scream to get somebody's attention ? Do you know what its like to scream loudly for help but nobody ever came ? Im not seeking for any attention . Im desperate for somebody , just one will do , to pay attention to what im not saying , to what im not showing . You think im okay ? Look into my eyes , & tell me you think im fine . Look into my eyes & tell me everything is going to get better . Can you ? I can repeat this a hundred times & still nobody can have an idea of what im going through . I can see that ppl are getting sick of me & how I choose to face my life . I was not given a choice , I was never given a choice . Yes , slitting is stupid , drinking is stupid , starving is stupid , self-destruction is stupid , self-despising is stupid . Tell me , what isn't ?. Before you ppl start reprimanding me for self-damaging , pls just take a moment to ask yourself if you might be one of the reasons why im resorting to doing stupid things . I am so tired , the kind of tired even sleeping cant fix . You think I wanna throw my temper ? You think I wanna be like this ? If I had freedom , I wouldn't care about a single thing because I can have a getaway from stress . If I'm facing my source of stress every single day without having the rights to let it out anytime I want , I will fucking be bottling everything up which leads to my motherfucking short-tempered attitude . Or the only way out ? Cry lo . What to do ? I can't feel my heart anymore . It seems like it's numb and I will say my heart is dead and it no longer beat with joy when anyone in particular was to talk to me . Honestly , I may have countless of guys but they walk in and out of my life like nobody's business . You think it is great ? No . I'm willing to give up all my guy just for the satisfactory one . " Wanted by many, taken by none. Talking to some but waiting for one " . Maybe you're thinking I'm so damn weak becos of one minor bloody incident , I have to make such a big fuss over it . Crybaby all . It's not just about an incident, it's like once a minor thing which can trigger my emotions by reminding me how fucked up my life is , I just cannot contain all my feelings anymore . Imagine you're trying to hide a wound and letting it heal by its own but people just keep adding salt to it , most of the time unknowingly but you can't do anything about it except to cry . This is how I feel. Nobody understands how much I've been through and the longer it drags , the crazier I feel . I'm so afraid of myself , im so afraid of my life . I often confused my feelings with reality . Even my mother tells me that I'm merely using her to grow up . But I never told her how I feel inside , that actually , I also feel like they're forced to take care of me . My mindset is , I know how much pain and effort they put in to bring me up but I actually wished I was never given birth to . & it wasn't my fault because I never asked them to have sex . In my family , nobody tries to be a middleman & help . I am not an exception . I don't feel like this is a family . No unity no communication no anything . At least people in broken families , nobody give a fuck about them & they can fucking fuck around & get away from the cause of their problems . What about me ? I'm fucking forced to be stucked with the cause of all my sleepless nights and endless tears . Do you know how difficult it is for me to try and forget about all my pains for just a little while ? It takes so much denial & pretendence & just when I thought I am doing a great job keeping up with it , something has to hit me & bring me back to this motherfucking cruel reality I've always been dreading to face . Again , what more can I do than to ... cry ? Whats worst ? After crying , nothing changed . I dont feel better , but worse , ppl judge me , label me as the girl who cries to get attention . How more fucked up can the world be , you tell me .
All guys do is give up once they see that there's an impenetrable wall to climb over . & sadly , what I always do is to build that very wall right in front of them . It may end up affecting me because I might possibly put in hopes and expect them to overcome it which they never did but at the very least , I know that I just saved my heart from a worse blow in the future . Guys probably never understand that I'm doing all this is because it's not them I'm rejecting but it's my heart I'm protecting . Everybody knows that how tiring it is to start all over again , when you have to tell all the stories & experiences you've ever been through , to that particular person before you can even get to the stage whereby the both of you know each other so well because there was so much time being put into the relationship . It's so frustrating when you got reminded that the previous one who knows every little thing about you has left & everything you've built up with that person has gone to waste . Every time when I start to trust in somebody , they show me a reason why I shouldn't . Ah , so tired .
Nobody knows nor understands my efforts . I really want to die you know ? Why the fuck is everybody not satisfied with their lives when they can fucking be free ? Nobody can imagine how much I'm dying inside . How long I waited . & how painful it is to wait , & not knowing how long it is going to take . I really don't know what to do . I'm having a headache . I'm so pathetic . My life is pathetic . I'm pathetic to be typing all this . I always go home with high hopes hoping to feel love , unconditional love , its the kind of burning desire that words cant explain . My vision is blurred & I have to constantly wipe my tears away . I hate my life so much . I just cried out of frustration , upon realizing how fucked up my life is . Those tears just keep flowing out . I'm pathetic . Don't you hate it when people still cant keep to their words even after you've told them over and over again to do so , that you even find yourself irritating ? They insisted that you were overreacting but in the end , when things turned out like you've expected & not like how you've wanted , it's really fucking disappointing & frustrating because you're like "I fucking knew it." I'm really tired .. of people constantly walking out on me along with all the excuses they come up with , of all the broken promises & trust , of being hurt & disappointed , of everything . When I act like I don't care about anything , people can never tell , only till they've been in my shoes will they know how much I've been keeping inside . I give myself chances & chances again to try to believe that there will be somebody out there that I can trust . Only to realize that people who will stay & always be there for me through thick & thin are extinct . It's like there's an expiration date for people who says "I'll never leave." I'm starting to realize that the moment I open up to somebody , the moment I trust that person , my relationship with that person is more vulnerable . Oh please don't talk about those who claim that they have always been here for me , they are the people I never pour out to & I can never click with . OBVIOUSLY YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN HERE BECAUSE WE'RE JUST NORMAL FRIENDS LA . BLOODY HELL .
I want to die . I want to die . Just let me die . Please , just let me die .
