My eyes confess to the fatigue of living . My tears surrender to the cruelty of ppl . My scars revealed my desperation for help .
Long bus rides makes me especially emotional . It makes yme think . Think of life , of people , of everything . When im all busy being occupied in the day , I forgot that when night falls , when im lying on my bed , everything im hoping to forget , comes rushing into my empty mind , it becomes miserable . I'm trying to be strong but the strength I have is washing away . Do you think im weak ? If its so , then mutiply it by 10 , thats how weak I really am . Im weaker than you will ever imgaine . Time & time again , people have turned out to be the very same person they kept promising not to be . Ppl ask me why is it so hard for me to trust ppl, & I can simply ask them back , why is it so hard to keep a promise .
I don't wanna probe , else my tears will just be falling like Niagara falls . My heart is never at ease . I can't even cry . You know how difficult it is to hold everything in? & your chest gets so stuffy & you can barely breathe ? I rather you whack me beat me slap me , whatever , physical abuse , rather than to mentally torture me . It's stupid . Having to cry in front of the computer & you can't stop . It makes you feel weak . Extremely weak . & you're still typing while you're at it . You cannot stand it . But nobody understands & you've to rant it somewhere . I know I wasn't your type of girl , I know I'm always asking you to assure me till you got so sick of it , I know I'm always doubting you being all insecure , I know I'm always assuming for the sake of assuming because I wanted some more extra assurances , I know we're not meant to be . Lastly , I know you tried to love me , but you gave up because loving me is too torturous . I know , I dont need any constant reminders . I mean , how easy can it be to love a girl with so many flaws , a girl so mentally bruised & scarred , a girl with a broken family , a girl with so many insecurties . I feel extremely guilty at times , because I cannot let go of a special someone who used to be my world . I've grown to be so tired of this now . Guys , they just give up so gawddamn easily . Not all guys are like this for sure , but I haven't met anyone who can prove me wrong . All this shit , I don't tell many people because in the end , who's there for you ? You & only yourself . It's difficult to find someone who truly understands you . Nobody can understand what you're going through . That is life . I'm sick of life . I'm so sick of everything . I know you dont bother to read my blog anymore , but I think I do miss you . That smell of your super awesome guy perfume you used to use still lingers around . Even up till now. Everything I do or say reminds me of you . It has been a month & afew days , but it just felt like yesterday . Sometimes it's the good memories that really kills me inside but all the memories so close to me just fade away . Sad thing is , you no longer exist because you changed & left , slowly disintegrating but still this non-existent person is haunting me every single day . Your name still gets my attention but I realised you're just a guy , a special one maybe , but no longer mine . You've already progressed much faster than I expected . Gone like the wind , out of reach . Im a girl , I get jealous & hate that mother fucker who spams your fb. We tend to assume & our imaginations go wild. Every second you take to reply , thousands of things go through my head ; who're you talking to ? Is it that motherfucking bitch ? I'll start assuming & get insecure . But I’ll try to think back to our conversations to make myself believe you ain’t that type of guy . I thought you wont disappoint me , I thought I know you best . Do you ever wonder ? I mean , about us . What happened ? It was almost as if our relationship was a piece of paper , crumpled up & thrown away ; forgotten . What might have happened if we didn't crumple it up & throw it away ? Maybe we would still be together , maybe not . Or maybe secretly we haven't thrown it away yet . We're saving it because we're hoping maybe someday we can pull it out of our pockets & rekindle what we once had . Or maybe it's not even that we want it back , maybe it's just that we don't want to lose what we had , but at the same time , we already know it's lost . I wonder that a lot & I wonder if you wonder sometimes , too . Even if I still need you badly , I wouldnt utter a word . I wouldn't ask you to come back . Why should I care ? Cause you weren't there when I was afraid . I was so alone you know .. I may need you , but I think I dont want you anymore . Once bitten twice shy .
I know I'm very hard to understand because even I don't understand myself at times . I'm that kind of girl who thinks too much . Way too much . How old are we & we're over here talking about love ? Fucking bullshit you know . It isn't something that can be felt or suddenly developed over a short span of time . Neither is it something that can switched on & off whenever you want . You mean infatuated ? Or you mean crush ? Or you mean it's just like a passing season & you're gonna leave like the others eventually ? I've given so many chances for myself to try all over again & I've tried so many times but people just keep entering my life & walk out like it doesn't matter . Every step I take leads to more mistake . I keep going right back to the one thing that I need . I'm about to break & I can't stop this ache . I'm getting nothing in return . What did I do to deserve the pain of this slow burn ? Everywhere I turn , I keep going back to one thing that I need to walk away from . I hate the fact that I stayed with you even when I shouldn’t have . I hate that I stood up for staying with you even when I looked like an idiot . I hate that you don’t even care . I hate that you said forever . I hate that you lied . I hate that you built me up & tore me down. I hate how when I said forever I meant it . I hate the fact that you’re there & you couldn’t care less . & most of all , I hate that I don’t hate you . The better days seem so far behind & now that I get so afraid when night falls . Every night seems like hell & I dread the days ahead . The thing about silence is that you never really know how much it hurts until you break it but you choose not to and I don't know why , I really don' t. I understand it gets harder day after day but that's because I wanted to know where I stand so I kept waiting . I guess it's my mistake & now I know . Up till now I'm still not clear of why I always like to try to find out something which I can catch the person red-handed with , even despite knowing it'll only end up hurting me . Maybe that's because I hate being lied to , I hate being kept in the dark & I hate being the fool who doesn't know anything . Or maybe I'm too sensitive & paranoid . I guess either way goes . Here comes goodbye . Here comes the the last time . Here comes the start of every sleepless nights , the first of every tear im gonna cry . Here comes the pain . But here comes , goodbye . Before I go to sleep every night , I will make a little wish hoping that I would be okay the next day . From dusk to dawn I am praying for the pain to go away & from dawn to dusk I am yearning to be happy .
Life. People. Everything. Broken.
